Hogwarts! Witches and Wizards
by OtterStarr
Summary: Hello! Sirius Black here hosting your favorite wizard reality T.V. show! With special judges Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape,Fenrir Greyback, and Bellatrix Lestrange! Prepare for something that will turn your whole view of Harry Potter upside down! Rated T for Reality show drama.


**"Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm your host, Sirius Black, and welcome to _Hogwarts!; Witches and Wizards. _The only wizard reality show that… well, exists! I hope all you pure-bloods, half-bloods, muggle-borns, and muggles who somehow managed to hack into the wizard channel on television, are ready for an epic 2nd season! For all those who didn't watch the 1st season (spoiler alert; Dumbledore won!) know that this is no American Idol where you have to sing for your life. In this, you must fight for your life; plus, this is Britain not America. Also, this is no Twilight where girls sit around and watch men fight. This also isn't Twilight because this doesn't suck! Did you get that? Vampires suck blood and… yeah. This isn't Twilight or American Idol because… this is _Hogwarts!; Witches and Wizards. _(Just so you know, my Ryan Seacrest impression would be so much better if the show didn't have such a long name.)**

**"It is time to meet our contestants! 12 out of thousands of wizards have been chosen to compete. And because I am lazy and didn't chose any contestant, I am now going to make them up right now and hope they come through that door. If they don't, Dumbledore save me…**

**"First off, because the books are all named after him and he has to be in everything that has to do with it, is a boy with the initials HP. He goes by the names of The Boy Who Lived, The Chosen One, and Potty Potter. His parents were killed by Voldemort and seven books later he kicked old Voldy's ass. Here is… Harry Potter!**

**"Next off is the second most feminine of the special trio, and yet the only girl… Her parents are both dentist and her middle name is the kind of pants muggles wear. Nobody likes this heroine because she's a know-it-all and a mudblood. Worst of all, she's the one that started SPEW and now the Ministry makes us pay 20 galleons a week for the welfare of House-Elves. You're all booing now, I see. Here is Hermione Granger!**

**"And now the last, most feminine of the special trio. And surprisingly least popular of them, even compared to ugly Hermione. He's a Weasley, ginger, slightly funny. No, not Fred! There's no way I could get the best Weasley to come on this trashy show. Yes, I guess Fred's a tie with George for the best. But the Weasley I got is way lamer than Fred or George. He's lamer than Percy. I see the disgusted looks on your face, I know that you know who it is. Please welcome Ronald Bilius *scoffs* Weasley!**

**"Because I can't have the three main characters without the guy who's been a thorn in there ass for seven years, I had to invite this guy. He's a Slytherin and a Pure-blood. He refers to his mother's sister as 'Auntie Bellatrix.' His famous quotes are: '…filthy little mudblood!', 'Eck! You must be a Weasley!', 'Potter Stinks!', and 'My father will here about this!' He was a ferret for about 47 seconds of his life. Give a warm welcome to Draco Malfoy!**

**"I wanted a second badass character to make this show more watchable, but unfortunately Goyle is on his 5 anniversary with his wife :O.(Please keep in mind this show is being filmed 1 month after Voldemort died.) and Crabbe's dead. For those who are going to say, 'But you died in the fifth book!' remind yourselves this is a reality show, nothing about it is real!**

**"Anyway, I had to resort to Neville Longbottom as my badass character. For you Slytherin's saying 'but he's such a wimp!' I'll tell you I agree. All he did wall kill a snake, pull a sword from a hat, get his face half covered in blood, and practically save the entire wizarding world. What's so cool about that?**

**"I bet half of you are screaming 'Make Ginny a contestant already!' Well, I'm so sorry to inform you, but Ginerva Weasley is currently having tea with Isabella Swan and discussing what it's like to have an abnormal boyfriend. So instead of Ginny, we are going to have that blonde-haired Ravenclaw that believes in hornkrupts, gronales, and nargles. Yes, it's Luna Lovegood!**

**"How many are we up to now? Are we done? 6 more! Oh, great. Give me a second to think… Alright! Since he realized playing Edward Cullen for even one more day of his life will send his popularity down the toilet, this Hufflepuff agreed to come back and join the wizards! Here is Robert Patterson a.k.a. Cedric Diggory!**

**"Who was that one girl always snogging with Ron in the 6th book? The one that pissed of Hermione so much she attacked ole' Bilius with a flock of canaries? Man, I loved her. What was her name, it was two colors I remember. Orange Green? No. Blue Yellow? No. Brown Turquoise? Getting closer… oh that's right! Lavender Brown!**

**"And while we're throwing in hot girls Ron and Harry attempted to date with, how about that hottie from the coffee shop scene in 6? I drooled when I saw her on the big screen, so what if she's a muggle? Let us all welcome the lovely… um… she didn't have a name in the movie… Tinkerbell Silvermist!**

**"Man, I'm on a roll now. I'm at 9, that's 6 more- no, 5 more- 4 more! Ok, let's add in the guy other than Ron sick enough to like Hermione. Cormack McLaggin, that's right! And Victor Krum too! Then there's a four way triangle between Hermione/Ron/Cormack/Victor and a three way square with Ron/Hermione/Lavender! Wow, it's like I actually planned all this out!**

**"So, we have 1 Slytherin, 1 Hufflepuff, 1 Ravenclaw, 4 + 1 carry the three and divide by six…, a lot of Gryffindors! Why don't we add Pansy Parkinson in as a second Slytherin! And the two Slytherin twin girls that never were named, and those two can count as one to make a third Slytherin!**

**"Yay! We're done! Wait, what do you mean I counted Ron? Of course I did! Oh, wrong. What do you mean I've got thirteen? I have… oh, fine. Sorry Tinkerbell Silvermist, but I'm afraid we called you here by accident. Maybe you should go back to the coffee shop and flirt with other boys that look like Harry. May I suggest Daniel Radcliffe?**

**"Alright! I'll see you back after this commercial break as our contestants chose there teams! Please, don't forget to review!"**


End file.
